Five Ways to Fix Zelda

Five Ways to Fix Zelda

January 21 2013 by Colin McIsaac

This guest article was written by a member of our forums known as “Deku Scrub.” If you have a guest article of your own you’d like us to post, we invite you to submit it here.

I was playing through Skyward Sword and fighting the millionth Bokoblin when I had a thought. Mind you, this was a pretty big feat considering that most of my brain had begun to atrophy, except for the vital parts and the one lobe responsible for playing “Simon Says.” That thought was: “This is boring as shit”

After this incident, I saved my game (I didn’t want to fight those 50 Bokoblins over again), and decided to stimulate my brain by reading a book and sticking a Q-tip far up my nose. But I digress. My main point is: Zelda is losing its appeal to a lot of gamers. The most popular games nowadays are so vastly different from Zelda, and after exhausting minutes of research, I believe I’ve finally come up with ways to make Zelda appeal to everybody.

#1: Wacky Sidekick

Barring Midna, which nerds only liked because she was tsundere (nerds love tsundere girls, fact), Link has never had a good sidekick. Navi was annoying, Tatl was Navi but more annoying, Fi was annoying with unskippable text and nothing of interest to say. If they’re going to make the text unskippable, at least make the sidekick funny. Imagine if Eddie Murphy were the voice of Fi.

“Yo, Link! You low on hearts, fool!”

1000% better.

#2: Hats

I’ve been playing a lot of Team Fortress 2 lately, and after making a few observations, I think I can safely say that the chief problem with The Legend of Zelda is the fact that Link only has one hat.

See how unhappy he is? My suggestion is this: have the next Zelda game be like Majora’s Mask but with hats. Have different hats for different occasions, just like real life! Not only that, but Nintendo should take another page from Valve and offer exclusive hats. Something like “Buy New Super Mario Bros. U and recieve Mario’s, Luigi’s, and Toad’s hats in The Legend of Zelda!”

#3: Gunz

Look at the popularity of games like Call of Duty, Counter Strike, and Battlefield. Y’know what all these games have in common? Guns. Nintendo needs to turn the next game into “Grand Theft Auto: Hyrule”. How fast would Ocarina of Time be solved if Link has simply gone up to Ganondorf and been all, “Yo, Ganon, I don’t appreciate you in my turf, dawg!” and riddled him with his AK? Do you know what would’ve made the sailing parts in The Wind Waker less boring? Drive-bys. And don’t you mention that stupid cannon. Because of Nintendo’s lack of dual-analog stick, I had to stop to aim that. For God’s sake they put trains in a Zelda game. The least they could do is include a musket!

#4: ~~Fuck Bunnies~~ Love Interests

What made Ocarina of Time the most popular Zelda game to date was Link’s harem of women. Fact: To make up for their lack of girlfriends, nerds fantasize about video game characters. Or buy one of these monstrosities:

“She’s a deep and well-written character, Mom, I swear!”

On any given day, Link could have a roll in the hay with a farm girl, get freaky with a Deep One, get some hot Arabian lovin’, re-enact Lolita, or have royalty bow to him. And that’s just the main characters. (In an all-female society, do you think half the Gerudo have even seen a penis?) This works for female fans too; they love romance! Seriously, why do you think Twilight and 50 Shades of Gray were so popular? It wasn’t because of their writing, that’s for sure.

#5: Online Multiplayer

By not incorporating this, Nintendo is missing out big time. And before anyone says “But won’t it be confusing if everyone is Link?”, lemme go back to Team Fortress 2 for this. On any given game, you have at least 6 Snipers. They all look the same, and they can tell each other apart. Too bad they can’t shoot to save their lives, but I digress. By having a big multiplayer frag-fest, Nintendo can charge for a subscription like Microsoft does for Xbox Live. It’s a win-win situation.

In summation: To fix The Legend of Zelda series, Nintendo needs to:

A) Hire Eddie Murphy
B) Sell hats as DLC from the Wii shop
3) Make Link a walking violation of the Geneva convention
4) Boobies
E) Charge people extra money on top of their internet bill.

Oh, and before I forget: Fewer fucking Bokoblins.

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